Nothing's Wasted

2012-01-06T08:29:00.000-06:00

I've been healed by the love of God many, many times.

Believe it or not, there are things far more injurious than even cancer. Wounds of the soul, that without The Healer, would remain open and raw for a lifetime.

I've seen it and you see it everyday.

He's taken my feet out of despair and despondency and depression.

He's lifted my soul out of poverty and purposelessness and pain.

And then covered my head with His redemption and righteousness and reason.

Like John, can we be a witness that testifies concerning The Light?

Can we step into this new year with so much love and forgiveness that the world will wonder?

Can we leave our expectations at the door and just listen?

"We can either listen to ourselves and our constantly changing feelings about our circumstances, or we can talk to ourselves about the unchanging truth of who God is and what He's accomplished for us at the cross through His Son Jesus." C. J. Mahoney

Listening,
Deb

An Accidental Collection

2011-12-19T13:25:00.000-06:00

Having been deemed the "religious one" in the family, I've been given all of the Bibles. I've never been fond of the "religious" word (it's a relationship, not a religion), but if that's what it takes to acquire the coolest Bible collection ever, so be it. I love the way they look. I love all the sizes and shapes. And most of all, I love the contents...priceless and alive!

Perfect as an art stand.

Little bitty ones.

Or to hold a precious picture.

Well, angels and Bibles, they just go together :)

Especially love the wear and tear. It means someone else loved them too.

And I love to decorate with books. As you can see, I'm not above mixing genres if the colors work :)

And The Word was and The Word is and The Word will be!
Deb

2011-12-18T07:38:00.004-06:00

Four years ago this day.....

Tuesday, December 18, 2007 8:43 PM, CST

Rev. 21:5 "He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then He said "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

And yes, it was. A brand new day like none other. A precious gathering of family and friends (my Mattie, Ingrid, Liz and Emily). The chaplains calming presence lead us in a blessing service. It was emotional, beautiful, sacred and holy. Putting to rest the old and bringing in the new. She anointed my head with oil as she said, "You were born from the union of the life-giving blood of your parents. Now you are being called to receive the gift of life-giving blood anew. May the living hope that resides in that gift fill your heart and mind, as well as your body."
The Lord's prayer was read and very soon after the nurses came in with the "gift". A beautiful little red bag of life. We were hushed and still. Our eyes seemed to stayed pinned on it as it was hung on the IV pole. And then we waited. First some drops and then some more, until it finally filled the tubing and entered into my chest for all to see. How to describe the feeling of seeing life enter your body? My thoughts were focused on the indescribable gift that this family had given and the wonder that our God could gift humans with minds that have the ability and knowledge to accomplish such a feat.
I am restful, grateful, in the quiet, as everyone has gone. A good place to begin to take it in and look forward and wonder.
"The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord let His face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

And this morning, as I read in Streams In The Desert, "God did not remove Paul's thorn in the flesh (2Cor. 12:7). The Lord did something better. He conquered it and made it Paul's servant. The ministry of thorns has often been a greater ministry to humankind than the ministry of thrones.", I'm reminded that nothing is wasted! He uses it all.

In His grip,

Deb

Cyber Monday....shop on my Rendi site!

2011-11-28T08:48:00.000-06:00

I am introducing my new business.....Rendi!

Rendi Style has everything from customized signs, to Christmas, birthday, wedding and anniversary presents to special gifts for grandparents, children, and ways to commemorate achievements and sweet ideas to encourage people you love, too! Rendi Style is a pretty awesome place to shop online, so I hope you’ll check it out! It's also made in the USA and ships in 48 hours!

And there are super cool sports items to customize in your school colors!

And don't forget...a portion of every purchase goes to charity:water, which brings clean drinking water to millions in Africa and India. There's a drought people!

If you agree to host a party (either in person or virtual), you'll get a 1/2 price gift and credit towards products based on your party total.

Thanks in advance for taking a look at this amazing company....it's all good!!

Deb

Annie Sloan Chalk Paint To The Rescue!

2011-10-07T10:25:00.002-05:00

So I've been meaning to branch out a bit on this blog.....after all, as much as I'd like to just think lovely, spiritual thoughts all day and night (and yes, that still is a goal of mine!), practicality wins and I just have to get some stuff done around here.

My fridge, Denver-old, so going on 14 years, yikes! And white, so you know it's pretty yuck and was fairly depressing to look at....

I should have taken some close ups so you could see all the nicks, scratches and just generally nasty stuff, but I didn't and now...ta-da!!

This second picture is more true to the color...ASCP Cream....it's very close to my wall color which is kind of a buttercream. 2 coats, no brush marks, covers everything with no priming, could definitely make chalk cartoons on it but haven't yet, and yes, the magnetism is still in tact!

Now if only the inside looked as nice as the outside :)

Knowing You

2011-09-21T07:23:00.000-05:00

Knowing You means I have somewhere to turn.

Knowing You means all is not lost....there is always hope.

Knowing You means that I am forgiven for all the petty, crappy stuff I do or say.

Knowing You means that my soul keeps growing.

Knowing You means I am never alone.

Knowing You means there is hope for health...mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Knowing You means I have life in an otherwise dead world.

Knowing You means I can be used for good.

Knowing You means all my troubles are light and momentary.

Knowing You means knowing that You Are Enough!

Asking

2011-09-19T08:21:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't you rather ask for something from someone you know?

Because you know you're going to ask....if not now, later.

This world is not an easy place and any manner of need might arise. Things that you have no power or earthly ability to change or control.

Yes....those things...and they're all around us. And you may still live in the "it'll never happen to me" bubble, but it won't last forever and then where will you turn? No portfolio, substance or position will make a difference.

There are no atheists in foxholes.

That phrase might speak to my age. I said it recently to a younger crowd and got some confused looks!

There are no atheists at the brink...of death, of financial ruin, of marital crisis, of just living in this everyday, mixed up, crazy kind of world we live in.

You cannot get to the end of yourself and not face the One who made you.

And when it happens, wouldn't you rather know Him? When you're crying and clinging and calling out, wouldn't you rather know The Hearer?

He's waiting to hear from you.

He's waiting to pull you in to the shelter of the shadow and give you rest and peace.

Despite circumstance.
Despite your pride.
Despite your perceived power to cope.

That place of comfort is waiting for the asker and the more you've asked, the more comfortable and familiar it will be. The more you'll have in common. The family resemblance will be obvious. And the more peaceful you'll be with the outcome....no matter what.

Know today that when you ask, you will be heard.

Know today that the asking will refine the knowing and the knowing will refine the asking.

It's all good!

"My heart says of you, "Seek His face!"

Your face, Lord, I will seek."

Psalm 27:8

Have a wonderful week!

Deb

2011-09-13T07:38:00.000-05:00

4 years ago today, I was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. 14 years ago this month, stage 3 breast cancer. Unfortunately, I am not the usual cancer patient. I am the exception. I never forget this. I wonder why, in this great plan of His, there are so many who haven't made it. I have no answer. Only He does. And this day and everyday I cling to that.

And so today, for those who've loved and lost, I pray for you. I pray for the peace and comfort that comes from our Heavenly Father. I pray for renewed trust and belief in His word and His promise to never leave you.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." Romans 5:1-5

Much love to you this day,

Deb

2011-09-10T08:38:00.000-05:00

"The earthly obscures the heavenly. Human voices drown out the voice of God. Only in solitude can you begin to sift away the chaff and come at last to the golden grains of truth. The world will confuse you. Silence will speak more to you in a day than the world of voices can teach you in a lifetime. Find silence. Find solitude - and having discovered her riches, bind her to your heart."

Francis J. Roberts

2011-07-27T07:15:00.001-05:00

"Perhaps our greatest daily temptation is to be impatient — to refuse to suffer.
Perhaps my greatest daily sin is to refuse to suffer — to refuse to take up the cross of Christ.
Perhaps my greatest sin is refusing to wait on God’s ways — but to want my own will done — now.
Patience is a surrendering to suffering — a willingness to wait — a carrying of the Cross." Ann Voskamp

Do you think we have any idea what we're asking for when we pray for patience?

Isn't it the breaking down of what we want, when we want it....of having to live in a way that is uncomfortable....choosing that, not rejecting it?

Being OK with those moments that don't feel good...even embracing them?

This world will continue to move in ways that are not our choosing. What will we do with that? Will our response look different to those that are watching?

Humbled,
Deb

A Theme

2011-07-26T07:31:00.000-05:00

So, I opened one of my devotionals the other morning and had to have a little laugh. When the Holy Spirit is making a point in your life or wants to get your attention, most times it will surface repeatedly.

And so it goes....

"Thankfulness opens the door to My Presence. Though I am always with you, I have gone to great measures to preserve your freedom of choice. I have placed a door between you and Me, and I have empowered you to open or close that door. There are many ways to open it, but a grateful attitude is one of the most effective."

From Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Another reminder staring me in the face. I have to admit, in a lot of ways I've found it easier to trust God when I'm going through the big stuff.... like needing a bone marrow donor that matches! It's the everyday, pay the bills, cars breaking down, college loans, sniffles and headaches, cat threw up kind of stuff that really gets to me.

Why is that?

I think if there is even a slight chance that we think we have control over something or we think we can handle it on our own, it shuts the door to the grace of God. But when we know that there's no way on this earth that we can handle it and we have no ability to solve it, we must turn it over.

Then we can trust.

But the turning over is a daily, sometimes hourly and many times even minute by minute process. My thoughts can get so off track so quickly.

"Be joyful always (it's possible!), pray continually (that's the critical part!), give thanks in all circumstances (we can because of what He has done for us!) for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thesssalonians 5:16-18

"Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise;

give thanks to Him and praise His name.

For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;

His faithfulness continues through all generations."

Psalm 100:4-5

Many thanks,
Deb

THANKS!

2011-07-22T08:25:00.000-05:00

I listen to K-LOVE. Yesterday, I heard a woman call in and share a quote from, I think, her pastor...don't quote me!

"If all you had left today, was what you thanked God for yesterday, what would your life look like?"

Don't ya love it? I loved it!!

So compelling....so convicting.

I know the gratitude thing. I've heard it and heard it and heard it. But I've still failed to do it on a regular basis. What?!, you say. You, the one who has been saved three times! Not just my heart and soul, but my physical body from, not one, but two deadly stage three cancers?

Yes me. And I take for granted what I have and focus on what I don't.....many times a day.

Forgive me Lord.

Forgive me and let me hurry up and give You the long list of all the things I really, truly don't take for granted. Some of which I've come so close to losing.....

my mind (yes, my mind!)
my physical health (all the parts I have left!)
my marriage (25 years....25 YEARS!)
my home (ok, so we might as well be renting, but we're still in it!)
the ability to finish raising my children (a job that will never be done so I guess I'll have to live!)
our retirement account (well, at least the cats could retire with what is left!)
6 cars in the driveway, yes, I did say 6 (3 with no air conditioning, 1 with a drivers side door that won't open and another with some of the windows working, 1 with collectors plates and not because it's pretty, 1 with an engine issue, losing it's git up and go and all manner of dents, scrapes, bumps and wrinkles....and then there's mine, my beautiful 2 year old peach of a car that's only been rear-ended once by a teenager!)
my 4 exceptional, beautiful inside and out, children (no joke here, they are my world!)

my sense of humor (oh, by the grace of God, I can still find it!)

Seriously, I am grateful and seriously, the practice of thanking opens up a place in your heart that's so very peaceful. Because the One you are grateful to, inhabits it. And I know that I know, without Him, I'd have nothing.

And so I say, thank you and thank you,
Deb

2011-07-19T07:58:00.000-05:00

"He stilled the storm to a whisper."

Psalm 107:29

2011-07-10T07:30:00.000-05:00

Do you know our life on earth is but a breath compared to eternity?

Even with that knowledge, we put the majority or all of our efforts in the here and now.

If there is anything I have gained through all of my suffering, it's that this life is not our own. The meaningful comes through our difficulty. Our purpose and the power to carry it out, is learned in our poverty. When we fully realize our inability to cope, our focus is finally taken off of ourselves.

Where to put it?

On the One who has given you life and love for eternity.

"Following Christ breaks the stranglehold of self in our lives as He becomes the center of our universe. We decrease; He increases. Joy results." Beth Moore

I am there again as I have been before and should be always, seeking His will in the next thing, not wanting to go forward without His green light.

He will use what we have gained for His purpose, if we ask.

He will love through our pain, if we allow it.

Happy Sunday,
Deb

2011-06-24T08:25:00.000-05:00

I am a reader. The Kindle has transformed my existence. At times, it's made me giddy with excitement knowing I carry a small library in such a compact package. I'm never reading one book at a time. If I'm in the mood to work on my psyche, nurture my understanding of the spiritual, be inspired by a life or just plain escape from reality, there it is.

Part of it, is just having the options. Don't we like to have choices? The freedom to pick and choose. Free will...what a gift! A gift from a gracious God who lets our lumps and bumps teach us something. Who didn't choose to reign with an iron fist forcing us to march one way, but gave us hearts and minds with the ability to conform to His likeness.....or not.

We see a lot of the "or not" in this world today and it's hard to understand. Hard to understand why evil would be chosen over good. It's even harder to understand how a great, all-knowing God would be willing to walk this world in the midst of our choices and experience the worst possible outcome.

Don't take that lightly. Don't just know that and not feel it. Don't let the tradition of your religion keep you from a full on encounter with the magnitude of that day.

We are moved by innocent lives taken one way or another just about every day. We hear it on the news, see it in the papers. We gasp, we weep, we're horrified.

Feel that for Jesus. Let the reality of that life lost for you, sacrificed for your sin, move you in a mighty way.

Have we forgotten this? Has it become head knowledge? Have our hearts hardened or taken for granted the amazing love behind such a tremendous gift?

I know I need reminding. I know my day can go on without really, really being aware and present with the fact that I can choose and it came at a tremendous cost.

Choose life!

Nothing's Wasted: A Father

2011-06-19T17:24:00.000-05:00

Nothing's Wasted: A Father: "'A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling., God sets the lonely in families.' Psalm 68:5-6 A grace..."

2011-05-27T07:42:00.000-05:00

"He will be the sure foundation for your times,

a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;

the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure."

Isaiah 33:6

Our earthly foundation will shake and crumble whether it's something in our own lives or devastation happening somewhere in the world. Even if our physical world isn't shaking, our inner world can tremble like earth quaking.

Our world, in and out, is constantly shifting. But, "those who seek the Lord lack no good thing." Psalm 34:10

Truly seek Him today with all of your heart.

Hold nothing back.

Believe with a belief like never before. Settle into His words and trust.

Your heart will rest.

Your mind will still.

Your self will well up with the joy of the Lord.

Take this into your weekend and remember the ultimate sacrifice made for you...yes you...just you.

In the name above all names...Jesus!

Deb

It Is Better

2011-05-19T07:51:00.000-05:00

I've been sitting with Psalm 118 and I've been caught on verses 8 and 9...."it is better to take refuge in the Lord."

I'll be the first to admit that many times I will run to that girlfriend who will commiserate, who'll sit in agreement with my thoughts and opinions, nodding her head and sharing her own similar circumstances. And there is value in that, don't get me wrong. Sometimes the release to another compassionate human takes the pressure off of the cooker!

The problem is when we leave it there because...."it is better to take refuge in the Lord".

And don't we want what is better? We don't choose anything else by saying, "oh, don't give me your best, I'd rather have less."

We'd never do that.

The ultimate answers, the void to be filled, comes from one place and one place alone....the Almighty Word of God!

Truth, truth and nothing but the truth!

Love, love and nothing but love!

Mercy, mercy.....you get the picture!

Our health is wrapped up in The Book. Yes, there are other resources and I use them. Especially now after months of loss after loss, my grief becoming so complicated I could barely see out of it. So I called and went back to my counselor who is wise with this work. And work it is and time it will take, but while that is happening, I will always sit first with the Word of God. Steeped in it, praying through it, believing and trusting all of it.

Everlasting peace amidst a storm.

The grace to go another day.

His mercy for my meltdowns.

Love to you my dear friends who listen and continued gratefulness to my God who guides,

Deb

2011-04-23T07:33:00.003-05:00

"When my classroom is darkest, I see the best."

Charles H. Spurgeon

Some days my feet are stuck in the muck and mire of this world. Heavy lifting is needed to pull free from the pain, pressure and even the people around me.

Need seems to be everywhere. And not simple stuff like laundry and meals and taxes.

But stuff that will not, can not, be fixed by me.

Deep intimacy with God is not quick. It's not a 3 minute devotional or a 3 point sermon and a couple of worship songs...although those things serve great purpose.

It's time.

Time spent sitting and hearing from His heart.

The hearing part is the hardest. We have so much chatter going on. It takes practice to put it in its place.

Oh, and the sweet peace that will come when we persevere and wait on His words.

Words that will show the way.
Words that will plan the day.
Words that will point to the world that is waiting.
A place free from worry and pain and thoughts of gain.

Help us Lord, to do our day in a way that invests not just in the here and now, but the there and then.

The place with You that will last forever.

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance......

You have made known to me the path of life;

You will fill me with joy in Your presence,

with eternal pleasures at Your right hand."

Psalm 16:5-6, 11

The Lord's love and grace to you today,

Deb

For my friends with hard things...

2011-04-09T09:39:00.000-05:00

I am not an interpreter of scripture. I am not a theologian...no surprise to anyone!
I'm just a simple girl whose been on a journey with Jesus for, oh, some 26 years.
I've had some big stuff along the way, but don't we all? Your stuff may not look just like my stuff, but big it is.

I have a few favorite devotionals, but one I read everyday without fail. I even have it on my Kindle and can access it on my phone. Streams In The Desert by L.B. Cowman. It never fails to remind me of how God takes the tough and turns it to triumph.

From today's entry...

"when God desires to create more power in your life, He creates more friction. He uses this pressure to generate spiritual power. Some people cannot handle it, and run from the pressure instead of receiving the power and using it to rise above the painful experience that produced it.....The pressures of temptations and trials and all things that seem to be against us further our progress and strengthen our foundation."

I seem to know so many right now that are dealing with hard, hard things. I have that fairly common feeling of wanting to help, but not being sure of what to do.

And so, I pray. More than anything, I pray, "Father, draw them to Jesus."

Because I know where the power lies. The power to cope. The power to breathe. The power to endure and overcome.

It's real and it's vibrant, it's holy and it helps. It really, really helps, more than anyway I ever could.

So open the Book and find those who have suffered well and let their faith and trust stream into your struggles. Let the "all things" that are working for your good, continue to conform you to His likeness.

And I will continue to pray for His power to see you through.

My heart goes out,
Deb

Praise Him

2011-03-29T07:32:00.003-05:00

"Praise the Lord.

Praise God in His sanctuary;

praise Him in His mighty heavens.

Praise Him for His acts of power;

praise Him for His surpassing greatness.....

A mind focused on itself for a lifetime needs a lot of undoing. Thoughts wrapped tight for years and years, layers and layers, need the patience of Job to unravel. Slowly, slowly releasing wounds and lies, broken bits, pieces with no promise.

Shifting the sight from why and me, to gratitude that He would count me worth the work.

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord."
Psalm 150

Always hoping for health in Him,

Deb

Don't write when you're on medication.....

2011-03-25T07:02:00.000-05:00

I did post a blog entry yesterday and then got up this morning and thought...what did I write???

This makes NO sense!!

So I've deleted it :)

Lesson learned...don't write anything when you're on cold meds or probably any other kind of meds for that matter!

Have a glorious day,
Deb

New

2011-03-03T07:28:00.003-06:00

"You have fenced up my ways, made my paths crooked,
To keep my wandering eyes fixed on You.
To make me what I was not, humble, patient;
To draw my heart from earthly love to You."

from Streams In The Desert

...the moment ease steps in, the moment I go back to trusting in my own strengths and abilities, I flounder.

You'd think after the number of field trips I've been on, I'd have this down by now. My trust and belief would be so mighty, I wouldn't falter for a second. But the human part of me that still pushes for its place, can still overtake.

Oh, not forever.

My mind and faith is always righted by The Word, by the miracles and provision I've already experienced, by sitting in the deep place and breathing Spirit breaths of life.

"I have you and I AM enough."

How can I forget for a second my belief in those words.

Forgive me.

Oh, to start a new day with new hope, new peace, new love.

"He who was seated on the throne said,
'I am making everything new!'
Then He said,
'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'"
Revelations 21:5

"Made new in the attitudes of your minds;
to put on the new self,
created to be like God."
Ephesians 4:23-24

Have a beautiful day,
Deb

2011-03-01T07:50:00.002-06:00

And you can find me here today....

God Never Wastes Suffering - Deb Martell tells how her darkest days have turned to hope and healing......

http://www.justbetweenus.org/

in the Women Like Us column.

Have a beautiful week!
Deb

New Life

2011-02-25T08:19:00.005-06:00

I sink into my chair (sans cats), lumbar supported, feet up, wings and arms just wide enough for me, physically spent and emotionally exhausted. Raging flu/bronchitis/pneumonia - not sure which - and my third loss in three months.

So vulnerable.

So weak.

A place that no earthly body, no human being can meet my needs. A place so deep that only He can go, only He can descend to that part of me that would be empty except for His Spirit.

Sweet Jesus, You bring a comfort like no other. A peace and a calm that can't be manufactured. A knowing that all is well with my soul.

Oh, the surface remains tumultuous and the circumstance extreme like the ocean surface raging and roiling. But the deep is calm and smooth and teeming with life.

New life that emerges with grace and mercy attached.

New life that longs for more of You and less of me.

New life with knowledge not learned anywhere but in Your Word.

New life.

"The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words."

1 Corinthians 2:10 - 13

Unlimited Patience

2011-02-21T07:22:00.005-06:00

We have a need so deep, so vast, so specific, that it can only be filled by One so divine, so holy, so righteous.

We are born with it and depending on our life circumstance, it may be known to us or it may not. And when our eyes are still closed to it, all of our efforts will go towards filling with self....

self-improvement
self-satisfaction
self-righteousness
self-focus
self-dependence.....

until the day comes when we have a choice to make. It might be in a foxhole or it might be on a mountaintop, but it will be ours and ours alone. And it will change the way we live out our days.

Do we live humbly, laying down our pride and pretense?

Or do we live haughty, wearing our arrogance like a shield? A cavalier attitude that when tested will come up short for sure.

It will come up short because we are not enough.

Nothing we have is enough.

Nothing we do is enough.

And if we think we are, even for a second, if we think that need doesn't exist in us because all is bright in our world and things are groovy and good for us, hang on. There will be a day when all of the bravado we have built, won't be enough.

Our pain will exceed our pride.

And as our knees touch the floor and our face falls into our hands, the cry of our heart can still be to Him.

Because He's waiting.

From Paul, an apostle of Jesus ....

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

1 Timothy 1:15-17

Mary Demuth's Thin Place

2011-02-17T06:10:00.003-06:00

You can find me over here today....

"Coping strategies that serve us well in difficult times can leave scar tissue that needs to be removed. Deb walks us through a bit of her healing in today’s Thin Place."

http://www.marydemuth.com/?p=8137.

Love to you,
Deb

Injury

2011-01-21T07:21:00.004-06:00

Do you ever get caught up in your injuries? Going over and over all the things that have been done to you? Resentment and bitterness sprouting like mold on forgotten food, hidden so far back in the corner that you are completely unaware of it's inception. Til it gets bigger.

A barb here, a snide comment there, until fury finally overtakes and all hell breaks loose and you live for days in complete and utter misery...dare I say weeks or maybe even years.

Healing is arduous work. It takes patience, prayer and perseverance. It's not for light weights and there's really no rushing the process.

Ask for wisdom and discernment to truly know what is at the root of your animosity and when He reveals it, and He will if you listen well, pray for grace both for you and for your relationships. To be able to receive it and extend it.

Pray for a soft, malleable heart open to the Holy Spirit's truth.

Pray for the courage to change to look more like Him, walk more like Him, be more like Him.

It will change your world.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."
Ephesians 4:31 - 5:2

Until He Comes

2011-01-11T07:27:00.009-06:00

If we could know how the very first lie began the weaving of a web so intricate, so convoluted, so devastating, then maybe, just maybe, we 'd have a hint of understanding of the suffering in this world. Lie upon lie within lie, weaving the reasons for death, disease and destruction.

He gave us the freedom to choose from the very beginning. Mankind has repeatedly chosen himself and would then like to place the blame on the One who loves.

The One who loves us through our bad choices.

The One who loves us through the consequences of others bad choices.

The One who loves us through the worlds bad choices.

And still He will dry every tear,

"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes"

renew a steadfast spirit,

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me"

and give the power to overcome.

"You dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the One who is in

you is greater than the one who is in the world"

In the meantime, we hurt with hope. We hurt with our hope attached to the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

He came into this broken world as a baby and then a man to begin the healing and extend His grace to the fallen. We must continue to cling to that truth with all we have as the world we live in keeps spinning in ways we don't understand.

"Only hold on to what you have until I come." Revelation 2:25

By Your Grace

2011-01-02T08:37:00.005-06:00

At the beginning of another year....

By Your grace, we have persevered through highs and lows....

Oh, to learn to live in those moments of all feeling right and to learn to live in those that don't.

By Your grace.

This side is far from perfect, but it is preparing us. We are humbled by the mystery. Your ways are not our ways. But still we trust. It's the only way through.

And we enter a new year not knowing. A grand expanse of anything possible, knees trembling, hearts skipping, asking for Your mercy.

Receive the faith that doesn't need to know.

Receive the belief that no matter what, you will stand.

Receive the hope of your very future.

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off."
Proverbs 23:18

He already knows...

2010-12-16T07:32:00.005-06:00

Do you ever wonder why a loving, omnipotent God would give us free will? He already knows our choices won't always be for our own good. He already knows that some of our suffering will be caused by our own faulty decisions.

Have you had a child or been a child that's gone against parental advice? As a parent, we so want to hang on tight, give our best, keep our children from harm. Because when they hurt, we hurt. But we know that release must come. The letting go must happen in order for them to grow and mature.

The same goes with our Heavenly Father. He gave us freedom to choose, but sometimes our hearts and minds are so fragile, so broken, that we can't help but make the wrong choice.

That's why we need a Savior.

That's why His sacrifice becomes so personal.

Because we can't always help ourselves. And He knows the hurt it will cause.

I know that I know that He can take the deepest grief, the most difficult circumstance, the darkest day, and turn it.

Turn it towards hope and healing.

Turn it towards new life and a new ability to give that gift of Truth to someone else.

The process is never easy. It's hard, hard work, but worth-it work. The time it takes to heal well can seem endless, but the peace it brings will be priceless.

It's the time of year for giving gifts.

The perfect Gift has already been given.

Our choice is to receive Him.

"And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philipians 4:7

A Father

2010-12-01T08:10:00.005-06:00

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling., God sets the lonely in families." Psalm 68:5-6

A grace extended and a promise fulfilled. My God has done just that. He has become my father in every sense of the word. He's always protected, always provided, always given His best to me. He's loved me enough to reign me in, to allow pain and suffering to mold and shape and circumstance to stretch me beyond what I ever believed I could bear. Because He loves like that.

My earthly father wasn't able. The choices he made allowed for very little presence in my life. I haven't spoken to him in , oh, maybe ten years. I'd hear word from my brother that he wasn't well, but neither was I. I'd pull that thought of calling close, but ultimately push it away time and again. Friends who knew would ask me,
"if he died and you haven't spoken, would you have regret?".

And so he has and no I don't.

I don't because I believe I will see him again. He told me of his Trust many years ago.

I don't because thoughts of him ever being a perfect father have long gone.

I don't because I am so deeply loved by The Father, that's it's made up for and healed the gaping wound I lived with for so long.

"Is he not your Father, your Creator, who made you and formed you?"
Deuteronomy 32:6

He is my Daddy.

It is His lap I curl up and rest in.

His strong arms lift me from the strife in this world.

So yes, there is grief. But it isn't the usual wrecking kind of grief a child feels when losing a parent. This is a temporary revisiting of the loss of not having him in the first place. A sadness for all he's missed in not really knowing me and my family; of my kids not having a knee-bouncing grandpa.

We all live with loss, big ones, small ones, everyday. But it's like pulling a cup of water from a pitcher. Once it's removed, God's perfect love fills it in seamlessly. We can live full and whole if we know the Filler.

Rest in peace William Louis Bargman.

2010-11-15T07:24:00.003-06:00

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty" Psalm 91:1

Have you been there?
Where he lifts your soul to a place beyond circumstance.
Psalm 91 is very personal to me.
It has been my refuge and promise, given to me thirteen years ago after my first cancer diagnosis.
I knew it, of course.
I'd read it many times.
But this time was different.
This time the words had weight and depth.
This time the words pulled me to a place with Him that embodied peace.
And it became my rest.
There is a place with Him reserved for the suffering.
No need to call ahead. He knows when we're coming.
And He's waiting.

"He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust. Surely He will save you"

Surely.
So sure and true is His word that your belief and trust will be magnified.
You will know, that you know, that you know.

"He will cover you....you will find refuge."

So on that day of my first bone marrow transplant appointment, I pulled into the hospital parking lot and the radio announcer said, "and our verse of the day is Psalm 91:1".

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

And I thought, of course it is.

Rest for the weary.

Rest for the broken.

Rest.

In Him.

2010-11-05T07:18:00.010-05:00

"Beware of paying attention or going back to what you once were, when God wants you to be something that you have never been."

Oswald Chambers

A direct word from You this morning, causing me once again to weep.

Your love overwhelms.

The sacrifice you've made, stuns.

Your willingness to refine and purify at all costs until you have me in this place - wanting You, just You.

Your desire.

Your will.

Your work.

Your love.

There is nothing I desire more.

There is nothing else worthwhile.

There is nothing.

This is Your day.

Everyday is Your day.

It is not our own.

What sweet release to rest in that.

I bless You.

I praise You.

I love You.

You are mine. Fully mine.

Nothing will ever remove Your love.

It carries me.

Grateful has become an inadequate word.

2010-10-30T07:32:00.010-05:00

Do you ever feel like you can't turn around without hearing another story about someones suffering or misfortune? I'm not sure if it's my age or this recession or just plain too much news, that's making life seem extra hard right now.

My tendency when I'm feeling overwhelmed, is to go back to my Caringbridge journal....back to the days when I needed faith that could move mountains. So I can be "reamazed" by His provision and faithfulness. Where I can find quotes like this to help me with my current struggles:

"Remember, the time for faith to work is when our sight begins to fail. And the greater the difficulties, the easier it is for faith to work, for as long as we can see certain natural solutions to our problems, we will not have faith. Faith never works as easily as when our natural prospects fail. "

George Mueller

So there. How can you argue with that? I see no immediate solutions for my current struggles, but He does. And He is the faith giver. And I am the faith receiver.

And that mustard seed is going to sprout today!

2010-10-21T07:38:00.005-05:00

Every year this month, I put on pink jewelry and remember. I remember starting treatment for breast cancer. I remember starting treatment for leukemia.

"Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it may cost all you have, get understanding." Proverbs 4:7

I can honestly say, the beginning of wisdom and understanding for me, started with that cancer treatment. Oh, I'd had other traumatizing experiences in my life, but being physically debilitated and helpless was completely different. Not being able to care for my myself, let alone my family, was humbling to say the least.

You see, I was told growing up, that I could do anything - a very 70's female mantra! But that statement was missing a critical component.

The Power.

There was nothing in my human nature able to withstand the kind of suffering I would endure through two bone marrow transplants; the kind of suffering I would endure at even the thought of leaving my children.

Nothing.

I was not born with promises of hope and a future in me.

I was not born with perseverance and character.

I was not born with the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

But the day my Savior stepped into my heart and soul and His Words came alive to me, that day "I knew I could do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Everything.

He has never let me down.

Never.

And He will do the same for you.

"I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me." Proverbs 8:17

Love to you this day,

Deb

Just One

2010-10-18T06:05:00.008-05:00

I had the privilege of attending a Brandon Heath/Jars of Clay concert Saturday night. Not only was it incredible, but I left with a line spoken by Dan Haseltine from Jars, "You don't get to write your own story."

It stuck with me and that's saying a lot considering my inability to remember anything of import! So much so, that I repeated it to our pastor in the lobby after the concert. So much so, that I fell asleep with it and woke up with it.

"You don't get to write your own story."

He went on to say that "Just One" can change the world. "Just One" can have an incredible impact. We know lots of "Just Ones"...Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Billy Graham, Jesus - oh, the best "Just One" ever!

But do you believe that for yourself? Do you believe the small things (in your mind only) that you are doing everyday, are valuable and world changing? We tend to think if it isn't getting news-worthy attention, it can't be worth much. We've been so brainwashed by American culture and celebrity that we don't necessarily see the worth in....

a call

a card

a hug

a word of encouragement

a door opened

a spot in line

a ride

a meal

an ear to listen

an acknowledgement

an invitation

Oh, how He can weave it all together for good. We must be satisfied with not knowing if it made a difference and we will be. Because our motivation comes from a heart overflowing with grace...grace given by "Just One".

One who gave the most He could give...His life.

Your life...give it!

In loving memory of Tootsie Perkins,

Deb

Dreaming American

2010-10-17T09:32:00.012-05:00

The American Dream....do you have it or are you so close you can almost touch it?

I was very much pursuing it without even knowing it. "How could you not know it?" you say. Because I didn't grow up with it and I wasn't a big dreamer. I had what I had (which wasn't much...a car payment and a little furniture) because I had earned it. Very little was given to me.

Until I met a very generous man and married him. He owned a home on a suburban street and gave me beautiful gifts...things I didn't even know I wanted! The want seed was planted and I watered it. A brand new bigger house, a newer bigger car, diamonds - WHAT? are you serious!

I'd never lived in a house that was owned. I didn't get a car when I was sixteen or a license for that matter. I went to work right out of high school, had the privilege of taking a few classes while I worked.....and lived. Day to day, week to week, month to month. I had enough for the essentials and the rare Ralph Lauren polo shirt - big deal in the early 80's!

If you've read the side bar, you already know the ending. The Dream was stopped short. It not only stopped, it crashed and burned. And in the process, almost all that I thought of as meaningful, became meaningless.

Now why would a loving God who had blessed a girl with such wealth and well-being, allow it to tumble? Don't think I wasn't wondering the same thing.

Have you ever heard someone say, "You don't know the place something holds in your heart until you lose it"?

So, so true.

And my heart wasn't getting bigger with all of the accumulation, it was getting smaller. More and more self-focused.

And He knew. He knew because He loved me and He pursued me and He wanted more for me.

You might think some of His methods are harsh and they are. We can't deny it. And if we focus on that, we will remain in the pain. Bitterness, anger and hardness-of-heart will spread like thistles in an untended garden. Do you have those where you live? Without some harsh chemicals or fierce pulling from the root, they are uncontrollable!

And so the pulling began. Hard work, but worth it work. And that was just the first cancer, twelve years ago.....

"You would make Christianity pleasant and acceptable. Your Savior did not find it so. You would make it comfortable and accomodating to your schedule. He knew nothing of such a false religion." Frances J. Roberts

One Day

2010-10-11T07:47:00.016-05:00

"Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere."

Psalm 84:10

Can you imagine that place....the forever place?

The place where love transcends everything?

"Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

Matthew 6:10

Where the aches and the pains and the worries and the cares, are crowded out by perfection?

"Perfect love drives out fear."

1John 4:18

If you can be still, still enough.....for awhile, calling on His Name....you'll get a taste.

A taste of that place will envelope you sitting right here on this earth.

Right here in this chair.

Right here.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High,

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

Psalm 91:1

Bless your day,

Deb

2010-09-21T07:26:00.009-05:00

I don't like it when old yucky stuff tries to creep back in. Something triggers a memory and I go there in a flash....heart sick, stomach twisted.

And doubt, like creeping charlie, tries to work it's way through my sound mind mended by The Healer.

Thank You for the power.

To push it down.

To stomp on it.

To kick it hard.

"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my dears, stand firm.

Let nothing move you."

1Cor. 15:57-58

Nothing move you....nothing.

Not a thought.

Not an unkind word.

Not an old hurt.

Nothing.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

2 Cor. 4:7-10

Amen and amen.

Things

2010-09-18T09:08:00.005-05:00

I have a hope and a dream to live simply, to have less, so that what I own doesn't crowd out who I want to become.

Don't get my wrong. I am sentimental, and there are things that I will always own.....family heirlooms, books, books, books, pictures.....but, oh to have a space big enough in who I am, for whatever He brings next.

No waiting to live because I need to maintain something with no life.

More space for His work, His love, His time, Him.

For the filling is real and it will push out all of the unnecessary, all of the worthless, all of the dross. Leaving peace, freedom and love. Most of all love.

Love for the unlovely, love for the difficult, love for the broken, love for the hurting, love for the Father who created, love.

So this day, I turn my wandering heart, my fickle heart, my heart that seeks after nothingness and turn, turn, turn to the real things.

Infinite things.

Things without hard edges and paint.

Things that sparkle and shine with no benefit of anything found on this earth.

Things of worth and value that no earthly appraisal can contain.

"Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out,

a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted,

where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Luke 12: 33-34

2010-09-09T07:29:00.003-05:00

Do you come with your laundry list, keeping thoughts in reality and potentially missing the relationship?

Before we ask for anything, there must be a humble-hearted, love-filled, gratitude-given, time-of-talk with our Father, our Friend, our Comforter.

A love song only we can give, wrought from our suffering, our struggles, our circumstances.

Unique to the sacrifice made for our personal sin.

Hearts heavy with the realization of it.....set free with belief.

And Joy is sprung!

An offering.

Develope that. Nurture that. Foster that intimacy deep in your soul....and that list will go.

He already knows.

2010-09-05T07:36:00.010-05:00

Fresh grief this morning. I had a chance to talk to my youngest son last night and the bit of healing that was beginning to form seemed to be pulled away. Oh, how I miss his sweet face and our special way we talk to each other. The phone is just not quite the same, so Skype will be next on my techie learning list.

Sitting with tears always causes me to go deep. To let it roll through me, knowing it's pushing and stretching the sides of my heart. Knowing He will use this to continue to shape and fashion me after His design.

Fresh grief with hope attached.

Fresh grief in a new season with new ways.

"As they pass through the Valley of Baca,

they make it a place of springs;

the autumn rains also cover it with pools.....

I love Psalm 84. It hits home with me. As we pass through the valley of weeping, we make it a place of joy, expecting the mighty work that only He can accomplish in our hearts on this journey heading home.

He can move us from a place of grief to a place of strength.

Strength to continue.

Strength to be open to His plan.

Strength to follow hard.

....they go from strength to strength

till each appears before God in Zion."

Psalm 84: 6-7

Bless your Sunday,

Deb

2010-08-25T07:09:00.003-05:00

"Do you want to get well?.....Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." John 5:6-8

I'm pretty sure we all have a mat. It might be any wound or doubt or belief or unbelief that keeps us from walking. It might come from our own heart and mind or it might even be something someone else doesn't want us to forget.

"The Jews said to the man who had been healed, 'It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.'" John 5:10

In my chemo-mother-approaching senior brain, that mat is so many things to me. So many things that by the grace of God and the gift of His mercy, I have overcome. But here's the rub, I still find myself wanting to sit back down on it, going back to thoughts and ways of thinking that don't give witness to what He's done in me.

Doubting my healing.

"Jesus said to them, 'My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working.'" John 5:17

Always, always at His work.

There is no room for doubt.

His grace and mercy are new every single morning...a fresh new day for new hope and new belief.

Oh, oh praise Him!

Deb

2010-08-13T07:08:00.005-05:00

"I who speak to you am He." John 4:26

Would you recognize someone if they were standing right in front of you? Even with their nose pressed to yours, you'd have no clue if you hadn't been introduced.

As followers, He leads us to do kind, good and lovely things and we still miss our chance to introduce. I don't know about you, but I'm more than happy to take the credit. I'm at the ready to beam with pride when the accolades come.

Truth is, without Him, there is nothing in me looking to serve someone else, resolve a conflict, forgive a wound.

Only by the power of His Spirit, do I take a step in that direction....if I'm really honest.

Oh, steps can be taken, but most will be out of our own deep need to feel valuable or right or worthy or admired...all needs of the soul only our Great God can fill.

And when He does, and He prompts us to serve out of our wholeness in Him, we will have opportunity to recede and become less and less so that our introduction of the Life-Giver, the Soul-Mender, the Do-Gooder, will be on the tip of our tongue.

"He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

2010-07-24T07:11:00.009-05:00

In my spirit, on a day when I was broken, betrayed, battered beyond belief, barely hanging on,
He said it.

I am enough.

I am enough.

If I don't have health. If I don't have wealth. If I don't have family. If I don't have places to go and be who I thought I was.

I am enough.

And He sat down and stayed put.

A fixture in my heart.

A perfect peace.

A comfort.

Enough.

You are enough.

For me.

"Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the universe permission to send us what we're meant to have." Melody Beattie

Love to you this day,
Deb

2010-07-22T08:14:00.009-05:00

Can you walk through the hard stuff without trying to push it away? Without wishing away the time you spend in the middle of it? Without turning a blindside to it and living in denial?

Daily we deal with difficulty, death, disease....dozens of hardships cross our path. The instant information world we live in, keeps us close to every manner of suffering not to mention our own.

Our own suffering, coupled with God's grace, is one of the few things that can even begin to equip us to be effective in helping the hurting. But if we push through it with our eyes closed, only looking for the other side, the lessons learned will be lost.

I once wrote on my Caringbridge that, "My hope is to hold every experience sacred. To put aside what my mind automatically registers as "bad" and instead filter everything through Jesus Christ." Oh, the wisdom of the hurting! That is not something I learned while on vacation :)

In times of suffering, He will pull you straight to His heart if you will unclench your fists, open your mind, stop stomping your feet.....and breath.

Breath in and breath out, giving that still small voice time to come into your consciousness.

You won't hear it above the din of your yelling and screaming.

You must sit and wait and ask.

Ask for His grace and mercy for this day.

Ask for His forgiveness for doubting and not trusting the Only One who can heal anything.

Ask for His love to so consume you that there is room for nothing else.

Ask.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7: 7-8

The hope of heaven to you this day,
Deb

2010-07-17T08:29:00.006-05:00

I've not only had a second chance at life, but a third (and those are the ones I know of!). And despite how incredible that is, I still get bogged down in the daily. I still doubt and lament and tend to forget. My myopic vision keeps me focused on what's right in front of me instead of eternity.

The momentary vs. the miracles.

I recently started reading my Caringbook (the printed-into-book-version of my Caringbridge site), to remind myself of the enormity of God's love and provision. Not just for my physical needs, but for my heart and soul - especially for my heart and soul. Some days I almost don't recognize that person of great faith. She was so encouraging and hopeful! But I do remember the incredible grace and mercy, peace and comfort despite circumstance, given to me each day as I turned to Him. My choice to trust was always rewarded.

Not to say that the dark places didn't come, because they did and they will. But there was always an end. There always has been and there always will be. His promise to never leave or forsake is just that, a promise.

Sometimes I just need to sit with that girl on the bike and be reminded....

what a story....

what a God....

what great hope we have in Him....

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all, so we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Love to you,
Deb

2010-06-09T07:07:00.008-05:00

"I am a miracle and heaven is a part of me." I'm stuck on song lyrics this week. I just can't remember who sang that one - Gary Chapman maybe? It plays in my head especially when I'm sitting in my quiet chair, first thing in the morning. My eyes go up and His love comes down. You might think it's because of what He's seen me through, but really it's because of what He's lifted me from.

Oh, don't think for a minute I take lightly all the circumstances He's worked on my behalf (surviving a less than normal childhood, stage 3 breast cancer with a bone marrow transplant, marriage on the brink, leukemia with a transplant - just to hit the highlights).

But the big one, the really big one, was the day He knocked at the door of my heart and it swung wide open. It wasn't the first time. The knocking started with a polite tap, to which I not-so-politely ignored. It increased over time; still nobody home. And one day, for which I really have no explanation, the door burst open and love like a tidal wave knocked me flat.

I got up lighter. The weight of my worry was washed away.

Don't think I haven't tried to take it back. I've bent low, picked it up and piled it on. It's come in the form of trial and suffering, harsh winds, hail, horrendous downpours that served to knock it back off.

And in the process, not only heal the damage done, but start new growth.

And in the process (don't miss that), create a cleaner, brighter, sun-filled space.

Because heaven is a part of me.

"Rejoice that your names are written in heaven." Luke 10:20

2010-06-05T07:40:00.004-05:00

"Life is hard and it might not get easier." Words from an Amy Grant song from, oh, about 20 years ago. I've never forgotten them and they come to mind often. You might think, DEPRESSING!, but it's not quite as simple as it seems. If we want to not only follow Jesus, but become more like Him, to grow and mature into a human that has something truly valuable to offer this broken world, life will be hard because change is hard.

And, oh, do I need some changin'.

The process is perilous. Nothing truly attractive comes without some refining. And sometimes the ugly stuff needs some big time excavation. Not cute little garden tools, handles colored to match our girliness, but mighty earth movers and ground shakers. The process is perilous.

But His promises are perfect.

"The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made." Psalm 145:13

He has never left anything He's started undone. His sure and faithful hand has produced beauty from ashes. His incredible, patient love has pulled desire from despair.

Desire for more....more of all that He is....the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control that would be impossilbe without His Spirit.

So worth it...so, so worth it to sit in the rough patches and wait. To hold out for the blessing. It may not be what you think. It hardly ever is. Our hearts and minds are so limited but His, well, you know...

2010-05-22T07:04:00.017-05:00

I have a tipping point. It was very recently that I realized it. Or at least realized when it was happening - what it felt like . It seems it should be obvious, but isn't it funny how we can be so blind to ourselves? I recently told a friend that I "sneak up on myself". Before I know it, I'm teetering and wondering how I got so close to the edge. The people close to me can usually see it coming and all the while I'll repeatedly assure them that I am FINE!

Because I'm not willing to go in the direction of distraction or addiction (shopping, drinking, watching endless hours of TV - my most favorite if I'm honest!), I need to know the warning signs and know them well.

Because of all of my personal trauma and suffering, my heart has become soft - like buttah :) My desire and inclination to reach out to every hurting person has increased ten-fold or more. Here's the rub, I can't. As much as I want to give back, to serve, to physically love on every hurt that comes my way, I'm not able.

But there is Someone who can. So I must remember to lift and not necessarily carry. And while lifting their names, I ask for His wisdom. Only He knows if they need a hand to hold and if it's mine. Or... if He is doing something far greater and drawing them into a deeper, richer, more sold-out walk with Him. No chance I'd want to get in the way of that!

As for me, I need to run, not walk to the place where I meet with Him. Day after day. Hour after hour. To that little yard sale antique so anointed with my tears and His love that it will remain a fixture in this girls life to the very end. Throws and pillows may change, but the bones of that chair will remain.

As I walked through a nursery this week (the plant kind, not the baby kind), I was reminded that beauty is healing and calming also. I was literally stopped in my tracks as I entered a building of annuals in bloom, noticing first the incredible colors and then the intricacy of each flower and leaf. Knowing that a God who would take the time to create such beauty in a mere flower, must be doing the same as He continues to fashion my heart. Remember those lilies in the field....(Luke 12:27-28).

I know being at the brink, the very edge of our stability, has a mighty purpose. If we never approached it, would we bother to look? To look for our Rescuer. We'd live under the false assumption that we can do this on our own and spin deeper and deeper into self.

And you know what? It's not pretty there. Only He can take the deep place and make it lovely. Make it look like Him.

Oh, the process - never easy, but so, so worth it!

The peace that comes from offering up our very self to the Healer, is priceless.

More and more, carrying is taking a back seat to lifting.

Releasing is replacing rescue.

The weight may be too heavy for me, but it's never too heavy for Him.

2010-05-16T09:52:00.003-05:00

Good Sunday morning my friends,

I wanted to share the link to the powerful video I had the privilege of being a part of on Easter Sunday at Westbrook Church.

Not my best hair day and I had the stomach flu for 12 hours the day before, but our God reigns!!!

Be sure to watch video 1 and video 2. Our pastor had a great message in between that you can also find on the site if you'd like.

http://www.westbrookchurch.com/stories.html

Have a beautiful day,
Deb

2010-05-06T06:18:00.004-05:00

Have you been to the end of yourself yet?

Have you really, really reached the place where no one, not one human, can help you and you've exhausted all of your own resources?

If you haven't, you will someday.

If you choose right now, when the sun is shining and all is right in your world, to reach out to your Father in heaven and invite Him to create a clean heart in you, to heal and mend your soul and relationships (especially your relationship with Him), I can promise you, that when that hard day comes, and it will, you'll know right where to go. It will already be home to you. You will know how much He loves you. He'll be just like an old friend. Arms wide open, waiting to give you comfort and peace.

I have stared death in the face twice and have had many, many other sufferings and deep wounds in this life. There is nowhere else to turn. Your stuff will be meaningless, your status, your job and believe it or not, even your family and friends can't go there with you.

It will be you and Him.

And He will bring the perfect love that drives out all fear.

Perfect peace that will settle into the core of your being. The definition of the word comfort.

I pray you will live today resting in that truth,
Deb

2010-05-02T07:34:00.002-05:00

Have you ever fallen flat?

Flat on your face.

Begged for your life.

Begged for someone else's life.

Oh, not the physical body.

The spiritual self. The soul.

The heart bound with lies and sin, secrets and sorrow, pain and denial. There's a world of hurt out there. It makes my face crumble, tears slipping, lip trembling. Grief. I think it's done and then it wells up again, spilling over.

"There's a place for us
Where healing waters flow
Where peace will come
And love will grow
By a river of compassion
There's a house filled with love
Somewhere in His perfect grace
There's a place for us
(Kim Hill - A Place For Us)

And so it goes.

The place is waiting.

Just for us.

Encircled, enrobed, covered with a love so thick, so perfect, so powerful.

Filling the void.

Searing the sin.

Settling the heart.

Replaced with renewal.

Born again.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:37-39

Happy Sunday,
Deb

2010-04-30T08:10:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting in the quiet as I do every morning.

A bit of peace before the day kicks in.

I talk to the One who holds my very life in the palm of His hand.

His spirit settles in and fills me with the love and grace I will need for this day.

My day without this proves to be unsettled, frantic, unproductive - running on my own steam, which fades quickly and is never enough.

I freely admit that I cannot do this life on my own.

There is nothing in me able to walk through the tough stuff or even the daily grind stuff.

So I set aside my human nature and ask Him to fill me with His.

That is what you witness when you say I'm an inspiration, courageous, brave, strong - it's Him.

He brings the perfect peace and comfort I need for this day - and the next and the next and the next.

I hope you take some minutes to pause before your day starts and breathe out all of your worry and stress and then invite the Spirit of the Living God to fill that place in you that was meant for Him.

Nothing else will fit there.

Just Him.

Love to you this day - Deb

2010-04-16T08:22:00.007-05:00

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."
Psalm 68:5

I read that this morning. It broke my heart open. The loss of a friend to cancer (a father, a husband) and a new cancer diagnosis in the family; added to all the usual daily that's stress inducing, left me feeling fairly numb. A bit flat-lined. A lot flat-lined.

Except for the crankiness and the criticism, the on the edge ready to tip feeling, the "if one more person says one more thing about anything to me" moments - prolific! Plenty of that going on.

Then finally the knowing that I'm really off my space and doing everything but the right thing to fix it.

I can write about it, speak to groups of women, talk one on one, twitter, facebook, blog, even do a video and still turn my back on The Answer. The One with the answers.

He's so patient, so considerate, so gentle, so gracious, that He waits. Even for me. Especially for me. Because He loves like that.

I talk, He listens.

I release, He receives.

I weep, He comforts.

It's all still there. Nothing has changed - but the pressure. The valve has been turned ever so slightly and the pressure has eased. The giving over has begun.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."
Psalm 91:1

Happy Easter!

2010-04-06T08:06:00.003-05:00

Victory

2010-02-23T09:13:00.004-06:00

Win or go home. That is where we're at with our hockey season. Logan won, so he moves on, Rache didn't, so she's done. No redos, no second chances. Not enough goals and you pack up your skates and go home.

I bet you can tell where I'm going with this. Oh how thankful I am that our God doesn't have that policy. We still have game even if we don't do enough, even if we don't do it all right, even if we fail.

Another chance. Another season. Another day.

Another opportunity to repent, receive and relearn.

To study His playbook, erase that white board, and invite Him to show us how it's really done.

We know that if it comes from You, Father, there is no losing.

Thank you Jesus, that Your ways are higher, that Your plays are perfect, that You already have the victory.

Telling

2010-02-10T07:53:00.004-06:00

I recently had the privilege of telling part of my story to a group of women at a bible study. I say privilege because having the chance to hold anyone captive for 15 minutes and tell about the faithfulness of the Father and the gentleness of Jesus, is pure joy for me. The rest of my day felt whole with the satisfaction that can only come from being right smack dab in the center of His will.

You know it - no matter how queasy the stomach, no matter how many petty circumstances try to get in the way - you follow that nudge that can't be denied. You go to sleep with it. You wake up with it. The Holy Spirit keeps alive in you the part of the plan you get to participate in. It's the backdrop for all of your thoughts until you've accomplished the task.

Oh, no question it can be done without you, but He's so generous like that!

So I spent time in my thoughts and prayers, putting order to those minutes. Knowing all along that He had it. This was His story to tell. I was just the conduit, the vehicle for the telling.

"And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? Romans 10:14-15

"Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Christ." Acts 5:42

Love to you this day,
Deb

Sorting and Picking

2010-01-23T09:17:00.002-06:00

I am a sorter. Maybe you could call me a picker. From childhood on, I've had hard things. Things that I've prayed would be kept from my children and for the most part they have. But they've had their own hard things too. So we sort and pick together.

What can be taken from this that will help us grow?
What can be picked from this that will make our hearts bigger?
How do we sort through this and put grief to rest and gain the good?

There is no fast way. There is no rushing this. Putting behind and moving on too quickly, keeps us tied to an ever-increasing load of the unresolved. And it doesn't stay back there. It will pop back into our day when least expected. You've seen it - overreactions and outbursts seemingly uncalled for in situations that don't seem to warrant such a response.

Help for hard things is always good. Our admission that the hard things are too hard for us to handle alone, is the beginning. Help from a counselor, a pastor, a friend or - saving the best for last (just here, not in life!) - the One who already knows. Knows every detail of our hurt. Knows the depth of our grief. Knows the size of our shame.

He's waiting.
He's waiting for the day that He can join His suffering to ours.
And the day we make that connection, is the day we are set free.

No longer carrying the weight.
No longer pulling the load.
No longer bearing the burden.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yolk is easy and my burden is light." Jesus

There is healing,
Deb

Pillow talk

2010-01-16T09:35:00.005-06:00

I had a Lucy pillow when I was a teenager (from the Peanuts series - think Charlie Brown). It had a saying on it. "Be sure brain is in gear before engaging mouth." It was not a coincidence that I received such a gift. To this day it has meaning for me. Speaking before thinking is something I've struggled with my whole life. My passion about any given situation can erupt into a string of verbiage I regret sometimes immediately, sometimes the next hour or day.

But regret it I do.

And then what?

Feelings of a fool set in. Shame. Guilt. I blew it AGAIN!

How can I not get this by now? How can I get stirred to the point of panic again? How can my emotions still get the best of me?

And then I carry it around with me, distracted to the point that I miss the day. It becomes a burden. Isn't it especially hard to lay down those burdens we've created ourselves? Don't you feel foolish having to ask for forgiveness and release something that really shouldn't have existed to begin with?

Humbling, and I think that's the point. Without it, we might start to think we can do this on our own.

And we can't.

There's nothing in us capable of doing this thing well. Our human nature will always err on the side of self.

Thank You that You have given me freedom from myself.

In the only Name to be praised, Jesus -
Deb

"God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to repeat."
- from chapter 1 of Colossians (The Message)

Canceling Christmas

2009-12-25T07:19:00.004-06:00

"I'm canceling Christmas." I heard those words come from my husbands mouth yesterday. If you don't live in the midwest, you might not know of the incredible storm predicted. Rather than put his elderly parents or sister, who lives over an hour away, in jeopardy, he has canceled Christmas. Those words sounded so odd, yet vaguely familiar. Had I heard them in some old movie? They rattled around in my brain all day. I couldn't stop myself from replaying them over and over.

And then I realized why. It's impossible to "cancel Christmas".

There is no way to unbirth the Savior of the world.

There is no way to halt Holiness.

No matter how great our effort is to focus on the secular, there is still Good News of great joy for all of us!

"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:11

Merry Christmas everyone!!! Deb

December days

2009-12-09T07:56:00.005-06:00

I long to be able to put into words the deep sense of peace and love I have this time of year. Yes, it is related to all that is December - Him, lights, trees, snow!, warm fires, hot drinks, hockey rinks!, presents, giving presents!, peppermint, Christmas music (the Andrea Bocelli cd, track #6 with Mary J. Blige - bliss!!).

Even more than that, as I continue to read my Caringbridge journal, that deep seated sense of calm and peace comes over me. I'm not facing cancer right now, I'm not even in pain (the cortisone shot in my left wrist took care of that!). But I am facing the season of my time away in treatment. My Christmas memories away from my family. Yes, they were there for the day, but it was just one of a handful that they got to spend with me during that four months away.

Turning to The Healer and time, have taken the grief and loss and replaced it with triumph! Triumph and victory and surviving well another season of incredibly difficult circumstances.

He will do that for you too. He is waiting to give you a peace and comfort so supernatural that people will wonder - wonder how you are glowing in your season of growing.

His provision is always enough. If we can see through our pain, and praise.

Praise Him for His pursuit of us.

Praise Him for His presence.

Praise Him for His purpose.

Praise Him for the people He puts in our lives to be His hands and feet.

Praise Him.

"Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God."
Psalm 42:5

Back in time

2009-11-26T07:56:00.003-06:00

I've been looking back...2 years ago. I'm so glad I wrote as much as I did. Nothing like having your past life encourage your future! How many of these details would I have forgotten had I not recorded them. And so, I encourage you in writing your stuff down. Writing about God's faithfulness to you, lest you forget.

Thursday, November 22, 2007 8:39 AM, CST

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! Did you know I love snow! And I love winter, it makes me happy! So to get up and be greeted by the white stuff, was a perfect start for this grateful day. My backyard has a huge hill, beautiful oak forest and a copse of mature evergreen trees. Imagine them all dusted with enough snow to make them Christmas card perfect - deep breath, sigh. I'm smiling.

I've had a lot of thoughts this morning. Most of them come out in tears as I am so overwhelmed by all the feelings I have (I know, it's a theme!). Can you imagine being so loved by God that He is moving people's hearts on your behalf? He is pouring His grace and mercy through you to me. How can I not be overwhelmed. Wednesday started with my dear friend Ingrid showing up in my hospital room with a large, wrapped box and an oddly shaped package that someone tried to wrap?? - someone is laughing at that and I have a feeling it might be Ingrid. The women that come to Wednesday morning Bible study - the ones that I have grown to know and love for the last 5 years - sent me the gift of a brand new Dell laptop and a rolling case to go with it. Not only will it allow me to stay in touch from Minnesota, but it also showed me that they too have faith that I will be there getting the transplant that I need. Once again, I came home to treats, cards, gifts, phone messages, emails and donations. Then I was surprised by the early arrival of a large boy and then another - Matt and Luke! Home was complete. Sleep came easy last night.

I will share this hope with you this morning. As usual, after making the coffee , I picked up one of my devotionals. I was greeted with these words for November 22, "Do you believe that I am able to do this? (Matthew 9:28). Whew - I had to reread that - are you talking to me?? It went on to say, "God deals with impossibilities. It is never too late for Him to do so, as long as that which is impossible is brought to Him in complete faith by the person whose life and circumstances would be impacted if God is to be glorified." Read it again, I had to. Yes, I bring this all before You in complete faith, knowing that You will move and that You will be glorified. Andrew Murray said, "We have a God who delights in impossibilities and who asks, "Is anything too hard for me?" (Jeremiah 32:27)." Lets believe with new belief this day, not just for me, but for all of us. Focus on all He has done so far and all He will continue to do. Believe.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 5:10)

Praise God from whom all blessings flow - Deb

I know so many that need this encouragement today and I pray that the God of Impossibilites would draw near. Cling to Him. He is enough.

Thankful beyond measure,
Deb

Little things

2009-11-12T08:09:00.005-06:00

I'm an organic coffee with half and half kind of girl. No artificial flavors for me. After all, I'm a cancer survivor!
Until.....I recently found Nestles new peppermint mocha coffee-mate. You see, two years ago, when I was in treatment for leukemia, I wrote on my Caringbridge website about the deliciousness of Starbuck's peppermint mocha coffee drink - more than once! For some reason all that sugar and caffeine had a calming affect on me. I know, doesn't make much sense, but it did. Starbuck's gift cards in every denomination started pouring in. I even got one for $50.00 - now that's a lot of mocha!!

It's the little things.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the what to do or say that we miss the little things. The hurting step into our day on an all too regular basis and we feel helpless. Listen carefully and you just might pick up on a little thing that could brighten someones day.

And it will be love to them. Those gift cards weren't just coffee to me, they were love. I had no idea it would come packaged that way, but it did. And so now, every time I have a sip or a smell of that peppermint, a sweet calm comes over me. The cards are long gone, but the love that prompted their purchase remains.

Little things....what could you do today?

"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" Matthew 25:40

Love to you,
Deb

Embrace

2009-11-04T06:18:00.005-06:00

I have this pillow in my heart chair (because it's where I pour out), as a reminder. The words remind to do just that - embrace the day. Some are easier to embrace than others, I'll give you that, but all have value, tremendous value.

So, as I lean back into those words, I give up my day. Through prayer I attempt to offer it up to whatever He as for me this day.

Do I listen closely for the rest of the day? Not always. And it grieves me. It grieves me to think I might have missed something because I was too preoccupied with self.

But when I do listen and follow that still, small voice that says do this or do that, sweet peace comes and satisfaction. Meaning in this life. What a gift that is. What a blessing.

And so I sit with you too. You with illness, you with job loss, you grieving a loved one and lift you up. Praying down nearness to Him, comfort, a desire to embrace the day no matter what, knowing it has worth. Angels ministering to your heart and that still voice assuring you of His love and purpose.

He has us in the center of His will....and I pray healing.

"...listen to His voice and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your life..."
Deuteronomy 30:20

It's a heart place

2009-10-15T08:11:00.011-05:00

Do you get caught up? I had that "moment" thing down for awhile. Living in it, I mean. Not so much lately. My thoughts seem to be like those flocks of birds that whoosh into the corn fields. Sweep in, a few land and before you know it the whole mess sweeps up, swirls around and flits on to the next momentary landing. They don't seem to accomplish anything.

Such is the state of my brain! I seem to be anxious about everything. I wake up in the night and find my mind hard at work, spewing forth senseless jibber jabber, teeth grinding, fists clenching.

And if I stay there, fretting about all the things that, for the most part, are out of my control, my peace is destroyed. I have left the dwelling place and entered the rat race place.

I become so distracted that I forget.

I forget who my Refuge is.
I forget where my Protection lies.
I forget who the Keeper of my peace is.

Most times it's a temporary forgetfulness, but sometimes it goes on for days - dare I say weeks?!

And so I pray.

Bring me back.

Bring me back to the dwelling of the Most High.
Bring me back to the place where no harm or disaster will come near me; where I will not strike my foot against a stone; where Your angels are guarding...

And He does.

"Because he loves me" says the Lord,
"I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation." Psalm 91:14-16

It is a heart place.

"Do not fret." Psalm 37:8

Love to you this day,
Deb

No more tears...

2009-10-08T07:39:00.008-05:00

Don't we long to be included?

Don't we love to be recognized?

Don't we want to be a part of something?

Pain, suffering and grief can isolate. I remember feeling so different, so set apart, so unusual. A place where I couldn't take anyone with me. It was my hurt alone. Oh, others were hurting with me, but my particular pain could only be processed in my particular way. My past losses and how I had worked through them - or not - had great influence on my present grief; issues of abandonment, betrayal, mixed with my current need. Who could I trust? Who could I lean into for emotional support? How in the world do I carry this much pain?

Our culture doesn't do well with grief. We tend to give our pat answer - "all things work for good, he/she is in a better place, at least you're still alive" - and go back to making ourselves feel better. We don't want to enter into the messiness. And messy it is, because there are no pat answers, just a lot of coming unhinged and losing control.

But........there is an incredible purpose for pain. If we're in physical pain, it's most times a built in warning system to pull away from the instigator and address what is causing it. Emotional pain is different. It hurts in a unique way, to some a very unfamiliar and uncomfortable way. We also want it to stop but often times don't get to the genesis of the issue. We don't necessarily address the deep-seated reason for it. It's not life threatening, so we get busy, avoid, deny, medicate.

And we miss the incredible purpose.....that pain is critical to our grieving affectively. Without it we can't move on. Our reality will be skewed by the underlying presence of unprocessed grief. We need to allow ourselves to stay in it for a time - and it will be for a time. It does have an end.

And on the other side, we will be wiser, more authentic people, longing for depth in our thinking and our relationships. No more surface living. No more isolation.

A flicker of understanding of His sacrifice.

A purpose greater than the temporary.

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." Psalm 126: 5-6

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21: 1-5

Hope and trust to you this day,

Deb

TV

2009-10-05T07:33:00.005-05:00

In an attempt at a more lighthearted post, I thought I'd share one of my escapist behaviors.

I like TV.

Yeah, you heard me right.

I know it doesn't sound very spiritual or intellectual or righteous, but I'm OK with that. I was raised on TV, losing myself in "normal" family life, outer space, jumping prize winners and corny variety. It was a diversion then and it's a diversion now.

Sometimes our brains need to rest from all that is real and chill. Now, if you don't live in reality to begin with, I'm not going to be so quick to give you a free pass. But the harsh intensity of some of the incredibly difficult circumstances that some of us have been dealt, calls for an occasional reprieve.

You all know the channels with the socially acceptable content, the ones people will admit to watching - TLC, HGTV, Discovery, The History Channel, The Food Network, ect. Those are good for the average everyday. Not so much when we really need our minds taken off our own reality. Then we need to see some proof that life is not all that for some other people too. We need to know that it's not just our lives that would qualify for my newly invented reality show "Trials of Many Kinds" - starring yours truly!

So, this has been a tongue in cheek entry, made to give you a giggle. My post on pain will surface soon enough!

As you can see by our little cat Coco, there is some truth to it. She watches too, although I'm not sure exactly what she can see from that vantage point! But, as you can tell by the top picture, she also attempts a life of balance, as we all should. She reaches for the Word, the only real, lasting "escape" and comfort available.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. Through these He has given us His very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." 2Peter 1:3-4

"But through knowledge the righteous escape." Proverbs 11:9

Love to you this day,

Deb

Your grief will find you out....

2009-09-25T07:10:00.010-05:00

You know when you buy a new car and you suddenly see it everywhere? I'm taking a class this semester - Grief and Trauma in Christian Perspective - and I'm seeing it everywhere. I just don't get it. Is it my age? Is it the economy? Has it always been there and I was just oblivious to it? That's probably the most likely.

So I was feeling "griefed out" and decided to skip class Wednesday night - Complicated Grief. I'm living this. I certainly don't need to hear someone talk about it for 2 1/2 hours! I need a break!! Or so I thought...

My plans started out well enough. My daughters field hockey game - big win, 4 to 0. One goal and two assists for her, followed by a big greasy cheeseburger and a chocolate shake - hang on pancreas!! Stop number two was my sons soccer game. Excitement all around, great parents to visit with, my mom came to watch, fall chill in the air, cozy sweater - yum!

And then the minutes ticked by, then the half, then more minutes and no boy. He sat and sat and sat. And my sadness rose and rose and rose...into anger, into helplessness, into frustration, into "I'd like to give that coach a piece of my......! Ohhhhhhhhh, you can mess with me, but don't you mess with my babies!!!"

Lord, where do I take this? I got the "lifes not fair lesson" and I think my kids did too. So what do I do with all of this angst? You're obviously not going to let me run from it and I've obviously not learned this lesson in the past.

Griefed out.

Thank you that I have You to run to.
Thank you that I have Your Words to turn to.
Thank you that You keep reminding me of my self absorption.
Thank you that You care more about my character than my comfort.
Thank you that You listen.
Thank you that I can be a fall apart, no pretense, weepy mess with You.
Thank You.

"I will extol the Lord at all times;
His praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me;

let us exalt His name together."

Love, truth and health to you this day,
Deb

If you would, sweet Buppy, Emily, Mark and Karen, need your prayers.

Watch

2009-09-15T07:35:00.007-05:00

I know so many right now, so many, who are dealing with painful life. The really hard stuff. The "for worse" stuff. Tomorrow is the day, two years ago, that I started treatment for acute myeloid leukemia. Eleven years ago this month, I received the diagnosis of stage 3 breast cancer. I have to admit, a lot of that feels like it happened to someone else; like it was a dream or a fugue state. I see the scars and live with the ever present debilitation from such extreme treatment, but the mind has a way of somehow putting it in storage, to be brought out in pieces. To be worked on like a puzzle in an attempt to make meaning. That is my way. To make meaning.

I remember as a child saying, "everything happens for a reason". It was a mind set or way of coping the Lord gave me long before I knew Him - really knew Him. In a way, I think He was preparing me, forming truth in my heart for the long haul. Those "trials of many kinds" were getting me ready for this day. For the day when one more phone call full of grief and sadness, wouldn't seem unusual to me. This broken world will not change this side of heaven. We will not see the end of pain and suffering here. But what a privilege to have ears to hear it, eyes to see it and a heart that can hold it.

Instead of avoiding, denying, numbing or pretending, sit with it.

Turn to the only One who has the cure for it.

For if there is anything I have learned, He will take what was meant for evil and use it for good.

And when that good comes, it may not look like what you thought it would. It may not be what you expected. But it will come...

in a heart so soft, you can not help but pray
in a love so deep, you can not help but forgive
in a desire so desperate, you can not help but worship....

Him. Watch for Him.

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7

Love to you this day,
Deb

And so it goes....

2009-09-05T08:10:00.006-05:00

First day of school. An open opportunity to take on something new, start fresh, chart a different course or keep forging ahead. I think of all that I could pray for with two in high school and two in college - not to mention my own three credit class this semester.

But once again, the usual became the unusual. Plans were laid aside as I faced yet another health issue - acute pancreatitus. In true fashion, it had to be as dramatic as possible. Dark of night, ambulance, medics pushing the kitchen table aside, kneeling at my feet as I sat slumped in pain in this kitchen chair. The chair that I do my meeting, pleading, praising in. The chair so soaked with tears that I'm truly expecting actual mold to rise up and greet me someday! He has brought so much comfort there, peace and a whole lot of mercy. Of course, it's not the only meeting place, just the most special one.

Eight hours in the ER and home I went to rest and drink, drink, and drink somemore. A hospital stay was called for, but oh!!!, that's a last resort for me. So I followed orders. No food allowed, so that sweet little pancreas could "calm down" - kind of like a time out for a rambunctious two year old.

So I sat in the chair and let Him take the fear and replace it with my future. The one He's promised to prosper and not to harm. "So there is hope for your future, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 31:17. And a plan. A plan much bigger and grander than anything I could imagine. My hope and desire is to pray, not against my circumastances, but for my destiny and His glory. For what better place to be, than in the center of His will.

I've been given this pretty unique journey. This never dull, always something, kind of life. It continues to humble me, to want to listen more and love much. That's where I am prospering. In the intangibles. Who knew?

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:11 - 14

As my papa always said, "and so it goes" -

love to you this day,

Deb

Sorting

2009-08-23T08:05:00.003-05:00

I've gone to counseling in the past and benefited greatly from it. There was a word used that I loved and have thought about often. Not an uncommon or even an eloquent word, just a plain old everyday word - sort. When you've had a lot of trauma or even just the everyday piling up to the point of no return, help sorting is priceless.

I recently saw a new show on cable called "Hoarders". You know the premise. People collect, keep, save anything and everything from the valuable to the worthless - from velvet Elvis to rotting food. My heart aches for that mess and the thought of it overwhelms. The bondage is visual, the illness obvious. Sometimes a professional "sorter" will come to their door, but they don't always have the courage to let them in.

My heart is that door. I have stored up all kinds of things that I shouldn't keep - bitterness, unforgiveness, pride, judgement, anger - and when the Master Sorter comes knocking, I haven't always had the courage to let Him in. I've kept a white knuckle grip on stuff way past its expiration date. And it has stacked and piled and crammed its way right out of my heart and into my world. Affecting what I want to do most - love - to love like Jesus.

But in this new day - and believe me, I never lose my gratefulness for a new day - I can swing that door wide and let my Sorter gather all of it. None of it is too old or stinky. He's willing to take it all. And the big bonus is, He replaces it. Love, peace, freedom, room to breathe. Priceless acquisitions that never expire as long as I look to the Source for replenishment.

"Enter into "the secret place", and you will find that God was right in the middle of your everyday circumstances all the time. Get into the habit of dealing with God about everything. Unless you learn to open the door of your life completely and let God in from your first waking moment of each new day, you will be working on the wrong level throughout the day. But if you will swing the door of your life open and "pray to your Father who is in the secret place", every public thing in your life will be marked with the lasting imprint of the presence of God."
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest

Love and courage to you this day,
Deb

Encouragement

2009-08-11T09:47:00.004-05:00

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is amirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -
think about such things."
Philippians 4:8

A new website has appeared - (in)courage - you can click on the button top right and it will take you there. I've been thinking a lot about this very subject. How can I build encouragement and inspiration into my daily life? No doubt, it has to do with where I keep my focus. If I choose to keep my eyes fixed on the negative, the awful, the difficult, it will negate my ability, through Him, to be encouraged and inspired and to be an encouragement and an inspiration. August has been a tough month so far and we're not even half way there. I feel like the breakwater on Lake Michigan. Instead of waves, we have bills! - medical bills, school expense, cars breaking down, blah, blah, blah...

But I don't have to live there. I don't have to set up a tent and camp in my circumstances. It is a choice and I choose hope. Hope in a God who has never failed me.

Lord help me to be an adder and not a subtracter, to encourage rather than discourage, to build up and not tear down, to bring a fragrant offering and an acceptable sacrifice.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19

2009-08-01T08:06:00.002-05:00

I am a blog reader. I'm drawn to those who profess faith and have dealt with considerable suffering and trauma. I am inspired by their transparency and their trust. I don't know how large this club is or how many members it has, but there is an immediate kinship with those who have suffered much and have remained fully committed followers of the Grand Weaver - the One who did or didn't allow that cancer, the One who did or didn't allow that tragedy, the One who did or didn't stop that horrible circumstance. It's really not necessary for me to know that. What is necessary, is knowing His complete ability to take what is unlovely and make something lovely out of it. To take the unimaginable and use it as a point of departure into a new level of faith and trust not previously known.

For He does have plans to prosper. It may not be the kind of prosperity you're thinking of, but there's freedom just the same. You see, when He allows you to be in a place where only He can help, walls come crumbling down. The ability to keep everything contained, is over. The choice becomes yours - to live under the weight of despair, with darkness pressing or to grasp the Hand that will give you hope. A hope that keeps your feet off the ground, your eyes focused up, and your heart open. Oh, how He is waiting to fill it.

"The Lord will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
He will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing."
Isaiah 51:3

Moving on

2009-07-19T08:06:00.007-05:00

Life is moving from the tender place of vulnerability caused by trauma and suffering, to the place of courage needed for the world and all that comes with it. Resting in the shadow of the Almighty, being tucked in and protected, is life sustaining. It leaves an impression in your soul. In - not on -, because it carves out a place of retreat that previously had not existed. A palpable place, thick with mercy and love. It has a weight to it even more comforting than three hospital blankets fresh from the warmer! The physical experience of God's love is intoxicating, numbing the hurts and worries of all circumstance. He is JEHOVAH-JIREH, our provider, waiting for our will to turn His way.

The new challenge for me, as more life comes in, is remembering to retreat to that place. The depth of His protection and peace will always be. It's taken up permanent residence in me and I wouldn't trade it - for anything.

Forgive me Father, as I bumble around, finding my way in this new body, with this new life. My heart and mind get pulled so easily into the usual. Help me to stay in the sacred, to rise to Your Word, to love from that place You inhabit in me. That place of humility only You can shape.

"Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. You will drink from the brook, and I have ordered the ravens to feed you there." 1 Kings 17:3

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1

2009-06-30T07:32:00.002-05:00

I love the back of things. Either the deep inside or the back. Covers and fronts are usually prettied up to lure us in or make us think highly. But the realness lies in the backs or the recesses.

It's fairly easy to stay on the surface and admire all the work that's been done - clothes, hair, makeup, botox - all the accoutrements that make for an attractive package. But I'd rather see the inside. I'd still rather have the opportunity to relate to the truth. He's worked that in me. It's not something that's always been there. I loved that pretty package, maybe even more than most. But you see, my God has given me the opportunity to be stripped down, bare and raw before Him. No more pretending. That is when the work begins. That is where the healing starts. And if we've come to know His tender ways, we can't help but extend them to each other.

Trust that your beauty lies in the depths of your inner self. It may be hard to reach at first, marred by layers of stuff that should have never been there in the first place. But if you know The Refiner, He can take care of that. And every second of that fire will be worth it.

"As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man." Proverbs 27:19

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:18

2009-06-27T06:09:00.002-05:00

I place great value in time and relationships - now. I used to live in that place where day ran into day, couldn't wait for the weekend or for this or that to be over or gotten through. One of the greatest gifts I've received through my suffering, has been the "here and now". I'm living right here, right now in this moment. Whether pleasant or unpleasant, it's what I have and it's valuable. I take great enjoyment in the simple things and continue to be tremendously grateful for the opportunity to spend time with those I love. I have the ability to "be" with people without the compulsion to influence or change them to fit my needs. On the flip side, I have very little time for anything that smacks of manipulation or dysfunction. I guess that's a result of my striving after all things healthy and my need to protect what I've gained.
It's a slippery slope, this crazy life, but I'm lovin' it!

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11-13

Control

2009-06-24T06:31:00.006-05:00

"God gives the very best to those who leave the choice to Him." Elizabeth Elliot

He is sovereign.

He is omniscient (having complete or unlimited knowledge, awareness, or understanding; perceiving all things).

So why don't we leave the choice to Him? Why do we fight it so much? Why do we think our way is better? Why must we hold the reigns? There's that control thing again. We're hell-bent not to lose it - oh! good play on words! Sometimes I even surprise myself!

Why must we make ourselves into little gods with our own commandments, our own righteousness?

Trust and belief. We don't really believe with all of our heart, soul and mind. At the first hint of discomfort or hardship, we doubt. That is our human nature.

So if our human nature is so grossly inadequate, why do we cling to it? Because it's what we know. It's what's familiar. But we CAN change what we know.

There is a Book so full of health and healing, so full of truth and love, that can and will change all of our wrong-thinking - if we let it.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways My ways,
declares the Lord.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

Submit

2009-06-02T07:07:00.003-05:00

"We are here to submit to His will so that He may work through us what He wants." Oswald Chambers

Oh, to be so humble that we only desire after what He wants.

After the diagnosis of my second cancer, initial shock behind me, my prayer became and remains to be, "Thy will be done". There was little to no wrestling with God. His promise of peace despite circumstance proved itself once again in my life. That center of His will place, was calm, easy and perfect. I will admit discomfort and pain in the treatment I needed to endure, but my soul was at rest. In my willingness to surrender all that I am, I became able to surrender all that I have - or at least what I think is mine! My children, my husband, my family. You see, the grief doesn't come in your leaving this earth, - not when you know the One who flung the stars into place - the grief comes in thinking about those you are leaving behind. But even that will be fleeting as you remember His faithfulness. He will never leave or forsake, He promises a hope and a future, to prosper and not to harm. All of this is true for them also. They aren't really mine to clutch and cling to. They are His.

So going forward in these days of wellness, gaining energy and strength, I continue to remember to release. To not hold too tightly or attempt to control too much. To not get in the way or impede anyone's journey. The hard knocks, the not fair, and the unexplainable continue, but I must pull my hands back and let the Master complete His work.

"So rest your soul, knowing that I have been at work in ways you have least expected; for the picture in your thinking and the work I was engaged in were extremely different.
I make no idle strokes. What I do is never haphazard. I am never merely mixing colors out of casual curiosity. My every move is one of vital creativity and every stroke is part of the work."
Frances Roberts

"Submit yourselves, then, to God." James 4;7

Bitty Stuff

2009-05-13T07:31:00.007-05:00

"I have learned to accept what God allows and to change what He empowers me to change; and that's usually my own attitude." Jill Briscoe

Wow, I love that. So many of our circumstances do not change, at least not when we want them to. But our whole experience can be changed by how we think about it. Hopeful or hopeless. We have the choice of riding the roller coaster of circumstance or floating on the lazy river of peace. Frenzy or freedom. To me this is a miraculous process. Oh, I know, I've had the big miracles, but sometimes I'm even more amazed by how God will open my eyes to the fretting I do in the daily. It's so incredibly unnecessary and most times will change nothing.

There is a flow to life that for a long time has remained elusive to me. It remained that way because I remained solely focused on myself. What I was "doing", appeared to be focused on others, but what I was "thinking", was definitely focused on me, me and me. My agenda, my motives, how I wanted the moments to play out. Some might call it control and I'd have to agree. I'm thinking that we might so desperately try to control the minutiae, because the big stuff is so far out of our control. Yes??

And in the process we are stressed, rushed, crazed and exhausted.

I've been doing an experiment with myself. When the pressure starts to build around one thing or another, I visualize it in my hands, holding it out and releasing it to the One who has all of the answers. It takes a conscious effort, a moment to stop, pray and let go.

As a result, my trust continues to grow. Trust even for the bitty stuff. He takes it. He loves us through it. He so desires for us to have the peace that surpasses all.

"Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Jesus

2009-05-05T19:18:00.001-05:00

"Unless the Lord had given me help,

I would soon have dwelt in the

silence of death.

When I said, "My foot is slipping,"

Your love, O Lord, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought joy to

my soul."

http://www.todaystmj4.com/features/specialassignment/44328117.html

This is the story about umibilcal cord blood transplant featuring our family.

Love to all, Deb

Hope

2009-04-03T06:52:00.005-05:00

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
Psalm 62: 1-2

Oh, the truth of that. He alone. God alone. There is no solid ground anywhere else. All things shift and move, crash and tumble. Nothing is fixed except His Word and His love. Fixed in place, going nowhere. Of course, we go elsewhere, but when we have the sense to turn back, He is waiting. Solid, sure, strong. Arms wide open. Thank you Father that You do not turn away.

What a week it's been. A very sick girl - from sinus infection, to ear infection, to vomiting et all, two antibiotics, copious quantities of fluids, temps, moans and groans. So hard to see your child sick. I thought many times of my mother, wondering how she endured through both of my cancers. But even this doesn't compare to old friends losing their 21 year old son this week. Lord, have mercy.

And He does. We feel the lose no less, but know, that we know, that we know that His love endures. We know that He will bring us through. We are clinging and He is clutching. Fierce protection, a fortress.

"Because You are my help,
I sing in the shadow of Your wings.
My soul clings to You;
Your right hand upholds me."
Psalm 63: 7-8

2009-03-29T09:04:00.002-05:00

Life is happening and I'm living it pretty much like your average, everyday American. Except for the gratitude part, except for the joy that fills even the daily stuff. With or without, I have that now. Economy's up, economy's down, health is good, health is bad, it is all included in His plan to prosper.

I recently visited the Milwaukee Rescue Mission. I was surprised by thoughts of things similar to where I live. In both places, there are people with hope and light in their eyes and there are those with despair and misery written on their faces. Oh, we undoubtedly have more stuff, but really, what does that have to do with the condition of our hearts. In fact, when it's all stripped away, I think it's probably easier to be real. There's no hiding in that big house, fancy car or designer handbag. Don't get me wrong, I carry a "designer handbag" and truly enjoy it. It just happens that the closer you get to death, the more lavish the gifts become! No, seriously, if these things become part of my identity, that would be a problem. And it's so easy to slip there; having a sense of pride because of what we own. In this life, I have had a lot, lost a lot, and still have so much. But through it all, the Lord has taught me what to value. There is no downturn when you invest in Him.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways, my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
and do not return to it without watering the earth
and making it bud and florish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."
Isaiah 55:8-11

Fresh Faith

2009-03-08T10:24:00.004-05:00

A cold sore, sinus infection and a toothache. Miserable and the immediate response is to fall face first into my circumstances and to bear it on my own. After all, it's little stuff compared to past affliction. So, ice packs, ibuprofen and coffee through a straw (desperation!), rapid breathing and frustrated thinking.
I wanted to go to church this morning. I sit and read a devotional, completely distracted. My eyes finally close and my praise begins, for this day, a new day; centering on the One who cares. Yes, even about these small things. My Bible is cradled in my lap. Just the weight of it causes my breathing to slow. Surrender comes and words,

"I will extol the Lord at all times;
His praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt His name together."
Psalm 34:1-3

Forgive me for my lack of trust. Yes, even in the small things, especially in the small things.

"Beloved, I am convinced that faith sometimes means knowing God can, whether or not He does." Beth Moore

Seasons

2009-03-04T06:27:00.006-06:00

You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and
clothed me with joy;
that my heart may sing to you and not
be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you
thanks forever.
Psalm 30:10-11

When I add it up, the last ten years have been rough. Trials of many kinds with no obvious reprieve - back to back. Valuable, life-giving work, but hard, at times, gut-wrenching work; forcing me to remove my focus from this hour, this day, this moment and place it somewhere higher. Last year at this time, I was in my last month in Minnesota (four total) recovering from transplant. No view of normalcy anywhere near. This year, the sunrise in Mexico greeted me for six days in a row. Ocean rushing, breeze blowing, whales breaching! My face turned to that sun, speechless, humbled. Gratitude doesn't begin to grasp the state of my heart. It is with great respect that I sit and take in this beauty, knowing that He's put just as much care into loving my soul. He knew what it would take for me to live freely in the moment. He never gave up. I see it now. I see the dross that has been left behind and with intrepid feet, step into the hope that lies ahead.
"A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap." Luke 6:38
Overflowing....

Belief

2009-02-22T07:56:00.006-06:00

"The Father Himself loves you because you have loved Me and have believed that I came from God" John 16:27

Believed. There was a time when I questioned my belief. Not my belief in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit (although there was a time for that too), but my belief that what was said would be done. It was in the process of asking for forgiveness, that it came to mind. It dawned on me that I had been reading His Words for years and they had become knowledge (lived in my head), but had they truly moved my heart to a state of unquestionable belief. I would pray, as we do, for many things, but truly did not expect, really expect, an answer. At times, it even seemed pointless because "things" were going to happen anyway. And they did. Things like breast cancer, medical bills, marital difficulty, kid stuff, losing loved ones, leukemia, medical bills. I certainly didn't pray for any of that. But those life circumstances will happen, because we live in a broken world.

I have a plaque in my kitchen that says, "God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given."

Paradigm shift.

I believe that You will see me through.
I believe that You will never leave me or forsake me.
I believe that Your grace and mercy are new every morning.
I believe that You love me more than any human can and that You delight in me.
I believe and therefore ask that Your will be done.

And no matter what that will is, You have me. You have kept me tucked in and safe. You have been faithful.

So I asked forgiveness for my unbelief, for my lack of trust and He has proven Himself time and time again.

Oh, how You've cared for me, just me, one little person in this vast universe.

Yes, I believe.

"It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With the same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak." 2 Corinthians 4:13

Beautiful

2009-02-16T07:18:00.006-06:00

Today is Rachel's 15th birthday and yesterday was Logan's 17th birthday. Oh, to think back to those tiny baby days. Unique perfect creations who have grown into beautiful people. How grateful I am to get to share life with them. To find out who they are as they grow. To learn to offer unconditional love in a real life setting.
We must learn to receive it, before we have the power to give it. We will love out of our woundedness until we allow the Healer full access. If we let Him, He will cleanse every wound, usually one at a time, until we're left with beautifully tended scars that fade as we grow. When we've been touched by the Healer, we can't help but touch in return, for the "fruit of the Spirit is love....." Galations 5:22. The process may be unpleasant or even down-right miserable, but the alternative - a festering, infected spirit - will keep us from ever having full freedom and peace.
So let Him in today, the One who "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"Psalm 147:3 and "makes everything beautiful in its time" Ecclesiastes 3:11.

Gift

2009-02-14T08:14:00.004-06:00

A new day. A fresh, brilliant blanket of snow covering the earth. A gift, as each day is. We can choose to leave that gift wrapped, push it off into a corner and go our own way. Or we can put it in the hands of the Giver and trust. How much of our calling, how many joys, how much peace for our soul, have we sacrificed for our comfort - our laziness - our addiction to the temporary. Thank You that each day I get a new chance, each day a new gift, new grace to step into the middle of His will. It just might not be comfortable or easy there. But oh, the knowing that you are living out something far greater than yourself, is invaluable. The deep sense of being part of something more grand than the little you can strive to do on your own, fills our need for adventure. Rick Warren's book, A Purpose Driven Life, has the best one-liner ever, "It's not about you." The sooner that really sinks in, the bigger we'll live. The sides of the box will be cut, we'll stomp them down and step out. Fear goes out and life comes in. Hallelujah!

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

Newspaper

2009-02-10T06:40:00.000-06:00

Here's a link to what should be the end of my 15 minutes of fame!

http://www.livinglakecountry.com/LakeCountryReporter/Story.aspx?storyId=845951

Thank you to Jill Rick for doing another wonderful article in our local paper!

Bless you once again my dear friends for all of your support in the last year and a half!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Much love - Deb

Fitted Feet

2009-02-08T06:54:00.003-06:00

Most mornings, when my breakfast was delivered, I was still reading the Words that give me life and hope. I keep this picture in my Bible as a reminder of God's faithfulness. It takes me back to that bed where my body hung in the balance between life and death. I don't remember, nor do I care to, all the physical details of what I went through, but I do remember the faces. All the faces that entered that room, in and out all hours of the day and night. Every color, every religion/belief, every personality, every size and shape imaginable. They'd bring their life with them. Their joy, their grief, their stories. In their "taking care of me", I like to think that I did my share of "taking care" of them. Listening, smiling, affirming. It was the little bit I could give at the time.
My hope now, is that I'll hear more stories - your stories. I venture into "blogland" and find more and more evidence of God spreading his peace around in the presence of suffering and loss. Brave people with tender hearts proclaiming His goodness. It's a community I wasn't expecting. A gift to me, affirming my faith in the One and Only.
"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace." Ephesians 6:14-15

His Love Endures

2009-02-07T08:41:00.001-06:00

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His love endures forever.
To Him who alone does great wonders.
His love endures forever.
Psalm 136

Life has been so good lately. Oh, how I appreciate it. Appreciation - another bit of goodness that comes from the not so good times. The sharp contrast between ease and unease. Even though I've had many trials in my life, it wasn't until now that I've come through and found such peace on the other side. It just proves that all along there was necessary work to be done. The rough edges smoothed. Who knew what lived inside that hardness. And He never gave up. What a good Father. That His love for me was bigger than life itself.

Choices

2009-02-01T08:24:00.000-06:00

"Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional." Barbara Johnson

Truly that is the premise behind my blog. Life will offer up painful circumstances pretty much on a daily basis, but the answer to overcoming is in our focus. Are we intent on awfulizing or just plain looking like we're sucking on a Sour Patch Kid or have our eyes settled on our Hope and a future? We must serve something far greater than ourselves or our feet will be stuck in the muck and mire of misery and unforgiveness. Not a pretty picture.
I've really never had an option. The Creator of the universe has trusted me with some big things and my kids are watching. How I want them to know Him like I do, so that they can overcome and then their children and their childrens children - a legacy. I want to leave a legacy.
Great song by the way....

Legacy by Nicole Nordeman

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You
Enough to leave a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

What a privilege to have the opportunity to model the good fight. To lean in and recede into His shadow and watch the miracles happen. You see, it was never my fight to begin with.

Standing

2009-01-29T07:35:00.000-06:00

I have the privilege of meeting with a group of women, precious women, every Wednesday morning. My heart wells up before I leave the house, knowing that I'll be sitting in a room filled with love. Our time together is for study. Yesterday, patience was the topic. Oh, do women have much to say about that fruit of the spirit! But most importantly, it's a safe place. A place to share all that grieves us, all that excites us, what we've learned the hard way and what we haven't. I have to say, that's my favorite part - hearing life stories - listening, offering a word or a hug or a prayer. These ladies have given me a soft place to fall or really, to reenter. After extreme trauma, the vulnerability felt can be huge. You feel kind of raw and timid. The world can be so harsh. An innate need to protect yourself (mind, body and spirit) until some sense of strength returns, is imperative to healing. I think of a baby bird in a nest, wobbly legs standing and then giving way again and again until finally it stands. So thanks, my dear ladies, for helping me stand.

Transition

2009-01-25T11:22:00.003-06:00

This was the very first post I wrote for this blog. It spoke to me so much today, that I thought I'd share it again.....

I've tried to think back to a time before I suffered, really suffered. Not the small afflictions (sometimes medium), that I now know must have built ever-increasing strength and courage into me. But before that first diagnosis of cancer, I remember brushing up against people's lives who were dealing with "grown up" issues. I believe I felt removed, living in a whole different world. And indeed I was. The thought of having something so hard, so hideous, so horrible in my life, was unimaginable.My thought would be, as many have said to me, "I could never make it through that".

Oh, but we don't know how intrepid our hearts will be, until....until we have the opportunity to lean into His grace, to rely fully on His mercy. What a beautiful place, filled with peace and comfort. A surprise - some call it a blessing - waiting in the deep place. The place reserved for you and Him. The place where love and forgiveness come for our brokenness. It is holy there - holy ground. Breathing is slow and smooth. Eyes and head get heavy in a posture of reverence. The "taking for granted" way of life disappears and gratitude colors outside the lines, spilling into the unknown. That tight place we've tried to live in is razed. A mansion is waiting with room for newness.

That is our choice. To bravely step through the door and settle in, or to scramble, frantically trying to nail and patch and glue what was.

What a journey. Another level to live in - who knew?

"In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you." John 14:2