"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling., God sets the lonely in families." Psalm 68:5-6
A grace extended and a promise fulfilled. My God has done just that. He has become my father in every sense of the word. He's always protected, always provided, always given His best to me. He's loved me enough to reign me in, to allow pain and suffering to mold and shape and circumstance to stretch me beyond what I ever believed I could bear. Because He loves like that.
My earthly father wasn't able. The choices he made allowed for very little presence in my life. I haven't spoken to him in , oh, maybe ten years. I'd hear word from my brother that he wasn't well, but neither was I. I'd pull that thought of calling close, but ultimately push it away time and again. Friends who knew would ask me,
"if he died and you haven't spoken, would you have regret?".
And so he has and no I don't.
I don't because I believe I will see him again. He told me of his Trust many years ago.
I don't because thoughts of him ever being a perfect father have long gone.
I don't because I am so deeply loved by The Father, that's it's made up for and healed the gaping wound I lived with for so long.
He is my Daddy.
It is His lap I curl up and rest in.
His strong arms lift me from the strife in this world.
So yes, there is grief. But it isn't the usual wrecking kind of grief a child feels when losing a parent. This is a temporary revisiting of the loss of not having him in the first place. A sadness for all he's missed in not really knowing me and my family; of my kids not having a knee-bouncing grandpa.
We all live with loss, big ones, small ones, everyday. But it's like pulling a cup of water from a pitcher. Once it's removed, God's perfect love fills it in seamlessly. We can live full and whole if we know the Filler.
Rest in peace William Louis Bargman.
A grace extended and a promise fulfilled. My God has done just that. He has become my father in every sense of the word. He's always protected, always provided, always given His best to me. He's loved me enough to reign me in, to allow pain and suffering to mold and shape and circumstance to stretch me beyond what I ever believed I could bear. Because He loves like that.
My earthly father wasn't able. The choices he made allowed for very little presence in my life. I haven't spoken to him in , oh, maybe ten years. I'd hear word from my brother that he wasn't well, but neither was I. I'd pull that thought of calling close, but ultimately push it away time and again. Friends who knew would ask me,
"if he died and you haven't spoken, would you have regret?".
And so he has and no I don't.
I don't because I believe I will see him again. He told me of his Trust many years ago.
I don't because thoughts of him ever being a perfect father have long gone.
I don't because I am so deeply loved by The Father, that's it's made up for and healed the gaping wound I lived with for so long.
"Is he not your Father, your Creator, who made you and formed you?"
Deuteronomy 32:6
Deuteronomy 32:6
He is my Daddy.
It is His lap I curl up and rest in.
His strong arms lift me from the strife in this world.
So yes, there is grief. But it isn't the usual wrecking kind of grief a child feels when losing a parent. This is a temporary revisiting of the loss of not having him in the first place. A sadness for all he's missed in not really knowing me and my family; of my kids not having a knee-bouncing grandpa.
We all live with loss, big ones, small ones, everyday. But it's like pulling a cup of water from a pitcher. Once it's removed, God's perfect love fills it in seamlessly. We can live full and whole if we know the Filler.
Rest in peace William Louis Bargman.
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As someone who is not in contact with my earthly father either, I found comfort in your words. Your faith and your love of our Father inspire me.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
Thank you Allison...for sharing your kind words.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you my friend,
Deb